I’m just sitting here waiting to see if my coaching trio is going to pick up. It seems that two of my peeps in my other coaching trio have signed up for Christian’s programs. I’m not even sure that they’ll want to continue coaching with me. But these two; I thought what was on the calendar was on the calendar. I just don’t know. It wondered if I seemed overly negative at the conference and people didn’t want to talk to me. But they all seemed to be overly confident of something. I know I’ve been like that in places where I felt really comfortable like Quest. I never really did encapsulate all my feelings about the event. Since I started writing this, I jumped onto the call with Don and Gail and did express a couple of things. Don said that he could feel the energy of Christian’s when he did IM. I’ve spent most of my life not feeling and couldn’t feel IM. Maybe that’s where I need to focus some of my energy, into feeling things. I make the excuse that maybe I’m not meant to feel so that I can do deposession work, but I’m not sure that’s true. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not just crazy.
Chicken SongAugust 3rd, 2016
I’m in a ceremony run by a woman. She asks me to sing an elephant song. I did and I dance while I was singing. I SO wish I remembered the song. I lost it (for now). Then she asks me to sing a chicken song. In my dream memory, I know a chicken song but I can’t bring it up. I ask Chris if he knows a chicken song and he holds up a cell phone to my ear and says, “Just pretend that I’m whispering to you.” I listen to the song but it isn’t a song that I know. I’m concerned because this woman is counting on me to bring up this song. Suddenly, I realize that Chris has a small tank strapped to his back, like an oxygen tank, except it has something else in it. He puts a nasal breathing apparatus that’s connected to the tank via a hose up to my face and I start to inhale. I immediately get concerned about my ability to function if I inhale too much based on my experience with marijuana and the fact that I go “out there” pretty easily and have a hard time being functional. The anxiety of this is what wakes me up.
Brief DreamsJuly 20th, 2016
My dreams seem to be really brief. This morning I was looking for a place to move with someone and he’d recommended this woman’s house. I went there as the other tenants were moving out. She was very eclectic. Man, that 11 drops last night gave me the worst diarrhea. I need to start it again today. I might do a coffee first to try to wake me up a little so I don’t feel so woozy. All day yesterday, I just felt like crap. And where’s Jerry? He sends me a little ping on Monday to ask if I’m home and I haven’t heard from him since. No inquiry as to my whereabouts or condition. It just kinda makes me upset. I wish it didn’t. And Rich is really making me dislike that situation. I detect that he’s getting frustrated but it goes both ways. I was just thinking about all the money that I need to get together to assure that the rent is paid this month. I thought for sure I would be able to get a client. I just don’t understand why it’s been so hard. I don’t know why Gary has refused to come in for a session. I just realized that I haven’t heard from whats-her-name down in LA. I should email her if I could remember her name. Wow, I’m getting the worst throbbing in my thumb right now.
So, here I am writing but it’s not writing much of anything. Just random journal thoughts. I wonder if this is really considered writing. I’ve gotten two of the classes completed and the compassing recording. I’d really like to write that sucker up. I also have things to do to get ready for Practicum. I have to check and then get fabric for prayer ties. I have to… gosh I really want to go to sundance. I really like sitting at the drum and singing and I only got to do it twice this year. I would SO go up to Rosebud if I could. I would really like to be on the Res for a dance. I’m just thinking of sitting at the drum with native singers and being included into that. I’m thinking of Mike Daily’s story about being in New York and all the songs he brought up that those guys didn’t want to sing and the only one they did wanted to was the ganja ninja song. I think that’s funny. You know, I sit here and write and don’t seem to ever feel like anything useful pops into my head, just ramblings. I wonder when something profound comes thru? I would like something profound to come out of my brain right now. I’m needing to go back to my todo list. I need to check the clothing and make sure there’s rain stuff in there. We need some food so I need to check the food list. I need to get the throat spray from Whole Foods which I’ll do today. I need to check the rest of the list. Check the power steering fluid. Some other stuff. Okay, that’s 500 words of nothing.
Hard BlowJuly 16th, 2016
I finally got my viral load today and it’s gone up to 22k. I’m really bummed. I was SO hoping that it would’ve gone down below the last 10k mark, especially with the dance and prayers and my staying really close to the protocol. There’s really a large disappointment. Actually I’m going to work on that disappointment right now… well, I’ll continue writing… coffee?… sit with it, identify it in the body… I feel it in my heart… It’s read and black, I feel that failure that came up in my session with Nicola, and I feel sad. Now it’s green, slimy, I feel it in my face, It reminds me of watching my dog die, I’m sending it love, I’m making the dog a hero for dying in the line of duty protecting me and our homse… Now I’m filling my self with love. I have a pain in the back of my head, C1 on the right. It feels like the disappoinment around the HIV results is gone or diminished. How do I feel about it now? I’m ready to do TWiNN now I guess. Ok, I did it. I feel really tired now. I don’t really want to write all the much. Coffee?… I keep making coffee but damn, I feel tired. Might go meditate too. That sounds good. Just feeling sleepy. I shouldn’t have gone to be so late last night but I really enjoyed hanging out with Bruce. I can’t believe how late we went. Oh man… I’m just a crazy person. I do keep feeling like I need to rewrite my class notes for LSL. I have people registering for the class. They’re giving me money and they’re registering. It’s happening. I have emails I need to respond to. Kay Wong, Tina, Elizabeth… they want to write and I want to write them back. I want people to give me money. I want to improve my healing skills and so much of what I’m doing is working on business skills. Ugh. I am improving my healing skills and my business skills at the same time. I’m am curing my HIV right now as I type this. All of the stuff I’ve been trying is healing my HIV. The rise in VL is because it’s putting up a final fight but by the time I finish with these protocols, HIV will be gone!
Bakin’July 14th, 2016
Went outside and meditated. Hummingbird hung out in the air in front of my for quite a time. I need to go spend time with my mandala which I’ll do, but… today is the day that I get my blood drawn. I was going to wake up early to go to Esteban’s hypnosis talk but I woke up too late to get that and my blood drawn and the blood draw is really important and I can’t do it tomorrow. So… I have and abundance of high paying return clients. I have an abundance of high paying return clients. I have an abundance of high paying return clients. I have an abundance of high paying return clients. I have an abundance of return high paying clients. I have an abundance of return high paying clients. I have an abundance of return high paying clients. I have an abundance of return high paying clients. I have an abundance of return high paying clients. I have an abundance of return high paying clients. I have an abundance of return high paying clients. My business is thriving. I’ve released my book and it’s doing exceptionally well. My classes are full and I really enjoy teaching and bringing techniques of mastery to people. My own spiritual awakening is allowing me to astral project when I need to for clients. I own ability to pierce the veil is extraordinary. I feel great!
HIV GoneJuly 12th, 2016
This is what I’m thinking about this morning as I make the drink. I’m two days away from my third 3-week regimen. I’m very excited to see awesome results in my labs. I’ll look at the schedule but I probably don’t need to wait until Thursday to actually do the labs. On another note, I released the web site and announced the new Facebook page at about 2:30 this morning. I was hoping to see gaggle of emails this morning asking me for free sessions but I’m willing to wait until noon today! I really need to get some free sessions out there. I thought by now that I’d have some inquiries but it seems to be taking its sweet time. I probably need to hit Yelp as well. It also makes me think of why Dorthy hasn’t gotten back to me about working on her web site. I sent her a text message and then I sent her an email and she hasn’t responded to either. I know she’s busy. She’s such an awesome woman. It might be my imagination but I wonder who’s going to take over that school when she’s ready to give it up. I wonder what’s going to happen to our drum when they’re ready to give it up. I wonder, I wonder… I woke up with morning thinking about all the things I need to do to my web site. I definitely need to fix the layout issue with mobile. That’s a priority. The site is really plain. I didn’t do any bell and whistles on the site because I wanted it to feel incredibly clean. I like Peleg Top’s site so much and how clean it is. I wonder if I’ve done enough. I sure would like someone to read my copy and tell me what they think about it. I’m really hoping that I’ll get some feedback on it. It was interesting talking to Teri yesterday. I’m glad that the session went so well with her. I hope it makes a big difference in her life. I just wonder where the whole Moxie thing is going. It seems to have great potential. I’d like to have that environment and busy opportunity here around home. I really don’t like that fucked up drive over there so it doesn’t make me want to do that more than one day a week. I love the Monday night gig. I don’t want to give that up by any stretch of the imagination. I wonder when I’m going to figure out how to write something that seems worthy enough of a Facebook post. I’d like to develop some skill or strategy for posting to Facebook. I’m not really crazy about that whole thing and I go back and forth, but I really need to do more writing for my web site. I need to look up Dragon Dictate. Hell, I think I’ll do that right now. I’m also noticing that the work count doesn’t update all that much.
Occult StuffJuly 11th, 2016
I’m reading Dion Fortune right now and having this issue with Nelson. It seems like he wants a different practitioner, one who “sees” the beings he’s experiencing. We did one really long session and maybe he wants someone more powerful. After reading Dion Fortune, it sounds like there are people who can move in and out of the astral realm. I don’t know why I have so much trouble with it. I also wonder if I can actually be good at this kind of work if I can’t “see.” Dammit. I’ve tried so hard to do this work from a place of love and light. Maybe the two don’t mix. I think back to those that say that the astral realm isn’t someplace you should stop in and hang out, that you should move further into the mental and causal realms. I don’t even know if I do that. I do something. I just don’t “see.” I wanted to help Nelson in the same way that I want to help David Neuman. I did that soul retrieval for him but I don’t know that it helped him. I don’t know what it’s like to have a being constantly pestering you. At least I don’t think so. Maybe I do. Maybe that’s what’s going on with my sexuality. I wish that my spirit guides would help me to understand and figure this stuff out. It’s really getting to me. If I’m going to be shamanic practitioner, I need to improve my game in some way. Oh, all of this just seems so damned complicated. I need to connect with Therelin. I’m not convinced that I need to do automatic writing with a pen. It’s just too slow. Automatic typing. That’s where it’s at. If Nelson can do this, what makes him different than me? Is it true that I am not that sensitive because it gives me the ability to work with people like Nelson? Is my protection enough to keep me safe? I think so. Please Therelin, tell me how to proceed. Fucking leaf blowers. Ok, they’re done. I just tried to meditate. I realized that I’m very irritated now that I can’t get my mind to shut the fuck up, I can’t astral project, and I’m not getting anywhere in meditation… and here I am trying to reposition myself as a coach and I’m feeling pretty whack. Ugh. I hope this passes soon. I think I’m really tired too.
Coaching IlluminationJuly 10th, 2016
I’m even willing to start without a title. I called Don and after thinking that he wasn’t receiving my emails, it turns out that he was. He just wasn’t responding. Anyhow, we have our third with Gail. We’ll see how that goes. I hope it’s better and not worse ‘cos I find working with Gail valuable, even more so than Don I think. He’s a funny bird but a nice one. I got some stuff up on my web site but I really need to crunch on content. I probably need to contact Therelin and Jerome at the same time and see if they’ll help me. When it comes down to content, it must come from knowledge. I realize that I don’t have a lot of experience in Career coaching or health and wellness coaching so I’m not sure what to say. That gets a little weird. I think I need to start reading in those areas to get a hold of what I’m supposed to do with this business. So much of people’s stuff is the inner game and not the outer game. They know what to do. The info’s out there. They just don’t do it. That’s what I need to address. SO this is going to be part of my schpeal. This is good and it’s really how I want to work. There’s probably more but what is it? I was so rudely interrupted by my bowels when I was starting to get on a roll. And… there’s more work to do promoting my class. I’m stoked that my talk is 4 days before the class. Yay!! Gosh I need to write today. I’m not going to stay and breakfast with my friends all day. I’m going to promote my stuff at CCL today. I need to tell Corky about my stuff. I’m going to do that now.
On JerryJuly 9th, 2016
I see this in my email. I almost forgot that I agreed to write for 5 minutes every day. I wrote my dream down which was interesting. I can’t recall dreaming about Jerry before. I wonder if he’s online, nope, not online… probably sleeping. I just can’t believe how the Aquarians are so co-dependent. He told me that David has homework to do today so that means that Jerry has to stay home? WTF? I don’t get it. It’s pathological. I want to wring his neck. It’s makes me rather crazy. Just because he’s going to be gone for a week, he has to sit around his apartment to make David feel good about taking one fucking class and having the summer off of work, while Jerry pays for most of the bills. This is insanity! I don’t understand how people come up with their value system. At what point do two make one? And why? These are men too for gawdsake. Maybe it’s a woman thing. Doti told me that she’s never slept alone. Corky likes being alone. They’re so very different. I guess neither is right. David is just so damned spoiled I can’t believe it. A grown man who can’t do his own laundry or clean the house, nor take care of himself. Jerry has to clean up after him, pay his bills. And told me that he’d probably just go back and live with his mother if they ever split up. I think it’s the Aquarian Jerry that’s the problem. He’s probably just like Mel and Kirby with their need for attachment and challenge of doing things with someone else. Although, Jerry does do lots of art and bonzai. I dunno. I think he’s always been in relationships too. I don’t think he can actually stand being alone, even to the point of being in dysfunctional relationships. That’s probably the truth of the matter. And who am I to even talk about it? I’ve been in chronic relationships as well and they’ve been pretty crazy, I think. Maybe not. My relationships were pretty good actually. Well, Kirby and I were kind of a mess I guess.
Jerry, Mel, and KirbyJuly 9th, 2016
I’m arriving at a restaurant/concert venue with Mel and Kirby. They go somewhere to do something and I end up at a table with Jerry. At some point Mel walks up and sees Jerry and is rather surprised to see him. I think it’s funny that I have three Aquarians together at the same time in the same place. I’m sitting in a restaurant booth toward the inside and I start painting a landscape that I’m enjoying. I would like to sit near Jerry who’s on the other side of the table but a group of people comes to sit down with us to paint. I continue putting in dots to represent the bushes that I’m painting which is coming out really well.
